Tuesday, March 20

20 LAME Reasons Why Jimmy Dislikes the Philippines (Part 2)

Welcome back guys! ;-) To the second half of our special feature this week. This is a point-by-point response to the controversial video “20 Reasons Why I Dislike the Philippines” starring American Jimmy Sieczka.   

If you still haven’t read Part One, I recommend you do that first by clicking on the link below:

Now, just a small reminder to our readers: We all acknowledge and appreciate Jimmy’s acute and candid observations. It’s just that, due to personal reasons and professional integrity, I can never let anybody one-up me mainly because of his fast mouth and “stylistic” indulgence in using foul language.

And so, we pick up where we left off…

Point No. 16

Jimmy: (About drivers blowing their horns) “Beeping to beep. Beeping to beep. Wanna give me a beep? Give me a beep. Just give me a beep. Beep it up. Always beeping. There’s a beep.”  

My answer: Nobody likes excessive beeping of horns, Jimmy. That’s why no straight-thinking person – Filipino or American - provokes a driver to do just that.

Also, funny that you mention it. Coz in a way, the way you express yourself – the whole let-me-grab-you-by-the-balls-or-fuck-off-I’m-the-ultimate-Third-World-hands-on-guru-from-the-Future thing – that’s worse than Road Runner being roasted by Wily Coyote, man.

To borrow your own words, it’s annoying ;-)

Jimmy: “If you beep your horn like that in America, someone would chase you down to your house and knock the shit out of you.

My answer: In this case, it’s not the “beep” that scares me, Jim, but the “blip” that should’ve been inserted over the pixel of your mouth.

And fair warning to you, too, Jim: If you run your dirty mouth off like that in the Philippines, (in front of the security guards you’re insulting and not behind them, try it for a change, Jim), someone would, in your own words, chase you down to your house and knock the living bejeesus out of… your door ;-)

Sorry, couldn’t stop this one coming.

Just to make one thing clear: We’re all deeply sorry to hear about any death threats made – real or imagined - to Jimmy Sieczka’s life.  

Point No. 17

Jimmy: (at a restaurant complaining about table napkins cut into smaller squares) “…Small, useless sizes.

My answer: We have to understand, ladies and gentlemen, that Jimmy’s a huge fan of Nobel Peace “awardee” Al Gore. Jimmy’s a walking contradiction, a retarded Hamlet of sorts, tragically torn between the Oh-so-colossally important question: Paper or Plastic? ;-D

As a recap, in the first half of the video, you can see Jimmy complaining about too much plastic on the streets. But obviously here, he doesn’t see anything wrong with wasting too much paper. ;-)

Point No. 18

Jimmy: (About beggars) “The thing is, I feel bad for ‘em. But it’s illegal to give them money. I have no problem giving them food if I have extra food. Or even buying them food. But when they ask for money, it’s very suspicious because of the fact that…

(Here, you catch a glimpse of Jimmy’s extra tender side talking about the beggars around him. This is in sudden, direct contrast to his “tough-guy” routine; trained film-maker that he is ;-) This is also one of the first couple of moments that Jimmy allows us a close-up view of his handsome baby gray eyes, which were normally hiding behind a pair of dark glasses.)

Jimmy: “It’s sad. It sucks. It’s… it’s… (long pause) it’s annoying.

If you squint your eyes a little tho, you might see Jimmy rationalizing the fact that he just doesn’t wanna give.

Plain and simple. Don’t make it any more complicated than it already is, Jim. Just walk away like you already planned to  yesterday, ignore the beggars and PLEASE don’t capitalize on the emotional content. That’s like rubbing salt on a wound, man. You probably thought you’d look sort of sexy while smoking and saying all those “underground-bumming-business-insider-scoop” excuses.

I actually applaud the other Western guy who gave out some in the video. At least he’s helping and not being a drama queen about the thing ;-)  

Point No. 19

Jimmy: (About domesticated fowl) “No matter what time of day it is, you can’t escape the cock. Everybody has a chicken - even in the city.

My answer: Why, that’s because all Filipino men have cocks, Jimmy. That’s why you can’t escape them ;-D

Point No. 20

Jimmy: (about karaoke on the street) “It’s… it’s… I gotta get out of here. It’s killing me.

My answer: This is the best, most rational idea that ever came out of Jimmy’s mouth in the entire video. Well-done, Jimmy! How long did it take you to figure this one out? ;-D

Filipinos are music and fun-loving people. In your three and a half years of living here, Jimmy, how can you not know that?! They’re full of smiles and hope and faith in their Catholic God. In spite of all the troubles that they face in their everyday life, they remain optimistic and strong.

Speaking of endurance…

Point No. 21

Jimmy:Look at this: fucking cockroaches everywhere. Day time, night time. In your house, on the street. They’re everywhere. Look at that thing. He’s gonna get hit by a car hopefully. Oh shit. They’re disgusting.” 

My answer: Jimmy, those cockroaches are the toughest mother-f***ing bi***s in the whole animal kingdom, and we’re actually breeding them coz they’re our last hope in case a nuclear holocaust happens because of your country’s f***ing nuclear arsenal!!!

At least in the future when all hell breaks loose, we’d all be dead but we’d be proud that Philippine cockroaches survived! ;-D

And what say you, Jimmy, if we scrap, melt and sell one of those Minuteman missiles in Wyoming? Just one. You reckon, how many hungry mouths in the whole world that motherf***er can feed?

Now I know Jimmy only promised us the top 20 hits, but don’t worry, with VJ Jimmy in the house, the greats will just keep coming !!!

Point No. 21

Jimmy: “People expect tips for the tiniest tasks… Fucking pisses me off.”  (At this point, he also makes an incomprehensible sound from his throat akin to an ostrich’s –the sound)

My answer: If they had a tenth of the money you have, Jimmy, that’d be the biggest fortune they’ve ever laid eyes on in their entire life.

(Wait! I’m assuming here that you’re not a bum too, Jim)

Point No. 22

Jimmy: (About lady boys/ gays) “Why is it that every hot girl in the Philippines… is a lady boy?

My answer: Be thankful you still got those around you, Jimmy. They’re probably the best kind of women you can get your hands on, man, with your confused sense of bravado and sour character  ;-D

But seriously…  where the f**k you been in your three years in the Philippines?! Are you f***ing blind?!

Ok. Let’s say you’re just not that popular among the ladies, happens to everyone.  I sure can help you out, bud, although I’m a bit worried that you’d start drooling on Filipina laps when I introduce smokin’ hot girls to you.

I sure can do that for you, man, but I won’t.


Coz for one, you pee on sidewalks. Two, you have a terrible personality! ;-D

Point No. 23

Jimmy:There’s tons of f***ing Koreans in the Philippines.

My answer: Well, you can’t blame them. They sure as h**l know where to find the best and non-boring English teachers in the world (e-hem!). Wonder where else they looked… ;-D

Jimmy: “They hang out in large groups. Packs, like wolves.

My answer: Jimmy, that’s probably just because they have friends ;-) People have those, you know.

Point No. 24

Jimmy: “Motorcycles are ridiculous.”

My answer: I'll humor you and your three-year ignorance. I'd probably be spoon-feeding your "immersed" research, but: 

Not everyone here can afford cars, Jim. That's it. 

"At the end of the day..."

Jimmy: (As a conclusion of sorts, Jimmy wraps everything up by plugging out a travel-blurb-cum-mini-advisory) The food isn’t so good, it’s noisy, and it’s really dirty. So, be prepared to be pissed off.”

My answer: I have a sneaking feeling that Jimmy was already like that even before he came to the Philippines. And he’s already got it all planned to remain pissed off - for like his entire life.

No wonder all waiters run away from him and our best bottles of San Miguel instantly lose their cool at the mere sight of him! ;-D

Disclaimer: Seriously tho, all opinions and uncharacteristic use of strong language here on my Blog are for entertainment and educational purposes only. All errors in opinion also fall squarely on my shoulders.

PS : By the time this post was published, Jimmy Sieczka had already issued a public apology. 

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